Gertie Garnet

Heavenly Mother, we do not discuss her.  

They say she is too sacred to mention.  

But what about her daughters in need?
As I became a mother, I carried each baby blissfully.   

Fed them from my milky breasts with determination, and then ease. 
The first time it happened, I didn’t know it was coming.

A dark, heavy blanket of despair that draped over my mind, my body.  

I didn’t have the energy to hold onto the girl I was before.

So, I began forsaking pieces of myself.

Dreams, talents, friendships, these were the first to go.  

Over time, my hormones balanced, I found happiness again, but I was not whole. 
I wanted the next child with a fierce longing, though I feared it might happen again.  

The depression, the anxiety so, I gathered tools to lessen the blow:  

Mindfulness, speaking up and yet, the shadow fell again. 

I let go of more…my self-esteem, my sexuality, and still I pressed on.
My last babe came to me, a gentle creature full of personality that should have brought me joy.

But my dark friend returned.

I secured my mask, a hollow, deceitful thing that hid all true feeling. 
I fed, rocked, diapered, bathed, sang to, potty-trained, car-pooled again and again.   

Making blurry memories as my beautiful children grew.  

The fog gradually lifted, except not all the way this time.  
I saw only two choices.  

The first, keep living as a shell of a woman.  

The second arose like a whisper.  

That my cast-off dreams might still breathe somewhere. 
I looked for my Heavenly Mother.  

Was she there? 

Did she know my pain?  

I prayed.  

I listened to my intuition.  

I looked in the mirror.  

I breathed in and out.

Taking one painful step and then another onto the path toward my lost self. 
First, I found hope.

A dim tattered thing, but I took it in. 

I began to feel Her presence.

She is with me now - leading me closer to myself.  

With each step, I continue to bloom.  

She tenderly exposes new gifts.

My Matriarchal Blessings…. Peace. Passion. Desire.  
She requires not repentance, but indulgence.  

I dip into Her river of Divine Creativity, and I am saved.  

She beckons me to live a life of richness.  

She tempts me with more.  

Yes, this.  

And also…this.

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