Heavenly Mother, we do not discuss her.
They say she is too sacred to mention.
But what about her daughters in need?
As I became a mother, I carried each baby blissfully.
Fed them from my milky breasts with determination, and then ease.
The first time it happened, I didn’t know it was coming.
A dark, heavy blanket of despair that draped over my mind, my body.
I didn’t have the energy to hold onto the girl I was before.
So, I began forsaking pieces of myself.
Dreams, talents, friendships, these were the first to go.
Over time, my hormones balanced, I found happiness again, but I was not whole.
I wanted the next child with a fierce longing, though I feared it might happen again.
The depression, the anxiety so, I gathered tools to lessen the blow:
Mindfulness, speaking up and yet, the shadow fell again.
I let go of more…my self-esteem, my sexuality, and still I pressed on.
My last babe came to me, a gentle creature full of personality that should have brought me joy.
But my dark friend returned.
I secured my mask, a hollow, deceitful thing that hid all true feeling.
I fed, rocked, diapered, bathed, sang to, potty-trained, car-pooled again and again.
Making blurry memories as my beautiful children grew.
The fog gradually lifted, except not all the way this time.
I saw only two choices.
The first, keep living as a shell of a woman.
The second arose like a whisper.
That my cast-off dreams might still breathe somewhere.
I looked for my Heavenly Mother.
Was she there?
Did she know my pain?
I listened to my intuition.
I looked in the mirror.
I breathed in and out.
Taking one painful step and then another onto the path toward my lost self.
First, I found hope.
A dim tattered thing, but I took it in.
I began to feel Her presence.
She is with me now - leading me closer to myself.
With each step, I continue to bloom.
She tenderly exposes new gifts.
My Matriarchal Blessings…. Peace. Passion. Desire.
She requires not repentance, but indulgence.
I dip into Her river of Divine Creativity, and I am saved.
She beckons me to live a life of richness.
She tempts me with more.